My transparency… ( IT HAS BEEN HELL, BUT IT HAS BEEN THE BEST HELL I HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH. ..)

It’s been 2 years and 1 month ago that I was pushed into my journey of Grace. December 14th, 2012 my life hit it’s near lowest moment.

I was technically separated from my wife, living in the same house. 3 of my 4 kids were not liking me that much.  I was forced out of a job I had been at for 8 years. No income right before Christmas.  I could definitely say life sucked. I had spiritually been adrift since 2005  after leaving full time ministry. I decided I needed some help or at least to do something. I reached out to a guy (David) who is a bit older than I and asked him to meet weekly as well as deciding to find a church again. 

At the church the pastor (Lloyd) was giving  the congregation a challenge to daily read in Romans 5-8, and stay there for the next month.  I did that for the next 3 months

David gave me a copy of The Mirror Word translation and I used it as a reference along with the NKJV, the Message Bible,  Cotton Patch,  The Living Bible, Phillips, and a lot of others. I would take one or two verses at a time. Read through in multiple translations and read a larger breadth to see context. I then journaled, prayed over, journaled some more. God started breaking through in this process, well not really breaking through as revealing himself and showing me my definition or identity IN HIM.

I threw out 95% of my past theology. The 52 lies said in church on YouTube was helpful in that as well. I read more and studied more than the sum time of my years in full time ministry.

People ask me “how are you?”  I don’t hold back or sugarcoat it.

IT HAS BEEN HELL, BUT IT HAS BEEN THE BEST HELL I HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH. ..

During this time I have still struggled with life but seeing from God’s perspective has changed me. I am no longer defined by my job, family,  wealth, status, etc. Man does not define me. I do not define me. God’s definition of me is all that matters and he calls me son, he sees me holy, whole, redeemed,  righteous,  sanctified,  and loved. … As I am now,  not some future me but the past, PRESENT, and future me.

I used to be the bipolar Christian.  Up and down based on my ability to attain right standing before a perceived retribuitive God. In the Book “Beyond an Angry God” the concept of how can a God whose very essence is love be wrath and judgment at the same time work…

God is love, God is grace, unconditionally given not dependent on my action or even my possible rejection.

Game Changer!

For a similar more in depth look, check out What’s Left After the BBQ of My Life…

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About Ben Kilen

I am a average guy father of 4. I don't claim any super powers or amazing talents. I do have a double jointed thumb and I have always hoped it would bring me wealth and fame but so far it hasn't. I am an eclectic music lover as long and by music current day main stream rap does not qualify as music. Anything that has one to two sentences hammered over and over with no melody or excessive auto tune does not qualify.

3 responses to “My transparency… ( IT HAS BEEN HELL, BUT IT HAS BEEN THE BEST HELL I HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH. ..)”

  1. Mel Wild says :

    Amen. I know exactly what you mean, Ben. That’s a great way to put it, it is the best hell. Sometimes crashing and burning is the most glorious thing you can do! I wrote about my own glorious crash (in 2001) extensively in the book I’m writing. I’ve found that God will do whatever He has to in order to love the religion out of us. 🙂

    Have a blessed new year of greater upgrade, full of His wondrous grace and joy! Look forward to coming down your way sometime in 2015, btw.

  2. Dagmar Wood says :

    Ben, this was a big beautiful mess. Thanks for sharing. Very powerful. Dagmar

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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